Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
