THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
