Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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