this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
