someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize