Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
