I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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