had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
