You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the night ended with taco bell and tears
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
