I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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