I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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