I wish my penis had an off switch
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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