I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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