drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
