i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We have started to decorate penises.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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