I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
