New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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