I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
