I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
