Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
