and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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