You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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