i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
