she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
