i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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