then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
