I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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