Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
