it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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