Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just had sex on a roof
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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