i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
