I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
