Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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