You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
