Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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