I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
