I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
