I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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