Don't make out with my wife yet
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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