Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
