somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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