1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
actually, I'm a sock model
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
