Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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