I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
