Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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