my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my phone needs a breathalizer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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