I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
