and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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