Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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