I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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