I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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