Four minutes until I can fart!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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