Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
