i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
