How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
