The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize