Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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