i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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