The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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